I’m so glad we said it to each other. and I’m not worried the same thing will happen with me and you.
WALL OF TEXT
listen ok i used to laugh at people a lot i mean a SHITTON it would take up most of my day just laughing at people being stupid or their bad art or just at their personality flaws but eventually you grow up and stop doing that. like. eventually, you gain your own life experience, and the joke gets old. you understand more why people act the way they act and it’s just a sense of understanding and not condescension. i don’t know; i feel kind of bad for people who don’t grow out of that stage because it’s like a mid-twenty year-old still laughing at the word penis like a little kid who just learned about the birds and the bees. it’s a personality trait a lot of people are turned off to because it’s immature and it can be scary. just a little more: i’m not saying that humor about laughing AT something is bad or completely immature, but doing it constantly, or doing it for the sake of being mean-spirited and not making a point (ex: political comedy shows are making a point while making fun of the “other side”) is something you grow out of if you’re actually growing up. it’s fun to make fun of people and i would know that better than pretty much anyone but there’s just something about it that doesn’t leave you feeling satisfied, and you do it constantly to get the same feeling, but when you mature and start to understand people and help them with your experience, it’s a great feeling too and it’s more fulfilling and generally positive for everyone.
i used to have friends that i thought i would have for a really long time, and i used to have them, but i don’t anymore. and i’m glad i don’t have them as friends.
but it’s different now. i have more friends than i used to, yeah. but it’s different. we used to talk about each other’s characters all the time, and draw things for each other all the time, and talk about visiting each other and things far off in the future together. and it’s different now. and i miss that a lot. i’m thankful for the people i get to know now, too.
i dunno. i don’t wanna be the third wheel for everyone. i wanna be someone’s right-hand man, yanno.
I THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I WOULD LIKE IN A BEST FRIEND OFTEN. NOT LIKE THEY NEED ALL OF THEM, BUT LIKE A LIST OF “THIS IS A PLUS” TRAITS. I WOULD SAY THINGS I THINK ABOUT ARE DIVIDED LIKE THIS: 60% SUICIDE; 30% ANXIETY; 10% FRIENDS OR LACK THEREOF
another thing i love very much that makes me feel stable and content, for just a moment, is being on the couch in the wee-est hours of the morning, and having my dog come downstairs to lay right next to me
i love running my fingers through her hair. if i’m laying down downstairs, i love having the feeling of a fuzzy little dog against my bare belly. back in my youth, when i was a tiny little sprag, i would keep my arms wrapped up around my old dog krippy, with her fur against my belly. i still can’t sleep in any position besides on my side with my arms wrapped around nothing. so i love having pup next to me. it makes me feel like i have someone there for me… like someone who loves me unconditionally. i guess it’s pretty fucking gay, but i really just wanted a person who would do that. that’s the only reason i want a girlfriend, but, you know, after those friendships ended, i’m scared i’ll be fooled into believing i’ve found someone who loves me (in a platonic sense, like best friends forever) again.
a lot of the time, i think that having friends causes more stress for me than they end up relieving whenever they happen to have enough time to socialize with me. i often feel the urge to antagonize people i feel close to just so i can drive them away and they can stop causing me so much pain (even if it’s unintentional).
but recently i talked to a girl who invited me to prom, and it turns out she has severe depression too, and i’ve found out that those feelings are pretty common. hearing someone else describe it just like i would made it so much easier to deal with.
it seems like that’s the only thing that’s been comforting to me— relating to other people who have it. while it doesn’t make the thoughts go away, to know someone else thinks the same thing gives them less weight, so they don’t drag me down so much.
i’m glad that i have people around me who are so understanding of my problems, because those problems are humiliating and almost impossible to explain, especially without a sympathetic ear.
ugh for the past week i’ve been typing up giant posts trying to say some simple thoughts and then getting too upset with how awkwardly it’s worded JUST to be as benign and inoffensive as possible.
i HATE how most of the things i have to do to improve (as a person) doesn’t involve an action but a lack thereof, because the only way i can possibly defend the idea that i’m trying is by bringing up all the times i COULD have done something (usually at the fault of the person saying i’m not trying) but DIDN’T. it makes me sound like i’m bitter and hold on to the things people don’t do right, and i HATE when other people do it. everyone does it tho, even me. i try not to bring up arguments like “WELL YOU MADE THIS MISTAKE ONCE,” but when i feel like honestly threatened/offended, like when someone tells me that i’m not smart, or like i said that i’m not trying (at anything), i tend to lash out and do that.
i just hate it because there’s no way to argue a case for myself without attacking someone else in the process -_-
IS IT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HOLD DOWN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP??? I FEAR I MIGHT NATURALLY GET BORED OF PEOPLE EASILY IF THEY CAN’T “KEEP UP”……. I DON’T REALLY FEEL ATTACHED TO PEOPLE I CALL FRIENDS; USUALLY I THINK IT’S EASIER TO REPLACE SOMEONE WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAN WORK OUT PROBLEMS WITH THEM……….. IS IT A CHOICE TO NOT CARE ABOUT THEM???????
